October 18, 2013

A Movies At Dog Farm Guest Post: ZombieBert's Top 5 Rules For Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Rising From The Grave - illustration by Brandon Early

      Ok, so you wake up one morning and look out the window.  WHAT'S THIS!?!?  Crowds of infected, festering, reeking, used-to-be-humans are walking the streets!  Let's get one thing straight... if you aren't prepared, you're a walking Happy Meal.  So what do you do?  Well, assuming you're of the Boy Scout persuasion, you'll be prepared!  Let's list the five most important steps for surviving a "Zombie" type E.O.W. (end of world) scenario!


     Not trying to state the obvious, or quote Hitchhiker's Guide here, but if you go running about like a crazy person, you're toast in an hour, tops.  Keep a cool head.  Minimize your visibility, turn off any lights that may be visible, don't go cranking up AC/DC on the Sanyo, and just try to stay under the radar.  Remember, if they don't know you're there, they won't eat you.  There is a good chance that the Internet, cell phones, land lines, etc. may still be working for a while. The power may not go out for days. It may go out in 30 seconds.  Be ready if it does, but don't pass up the opportunity to get ahold of your cousin Dave down the street who has a collection of WWII era machine guns. Now would be a good time to split a 6 pack with him.

     Use your time wisely.  Gather water.  Fill the bath tub, toilets, sinks, and any unused containers with as much clean water as they'll hold. Your average hot water heater will hold anywhere between 20 and 80 gallons of clean water which can save your sorry carcass from dehydration in a pinch.  Improvise some weapons.  True, wielding a chainsaw and a shotgun looks fucking cool, but if you don't have a pile of hardware kicking around, find something that will keep somebody from eating your spleen (hockey stick, machete, kitchen knives, ball bat, length of chain, etc.), and keep it handy!  Stay away from swords you buy at the mall and/or flea markets, they're garbage.  The only damage these flimsy pieces of Chinese stainless are going to deal is to yourself.  A good solid machete can be purchased at any hardware store for around 20 bucks, and is designed to take some pretty solid abuse.


     Have a small amount of food, water, batteries, and other necessities stashed somewhere.  Enough to keep everyone in your household fed, hydrated, and sane for at least three days.  Think "hurricane prep", or if you're out west, "earthquake prep".  Remember Murphy's Rule of Doubles- two is one, one is none.  If you have ONE flashlight, it will fail.  If you have two flashlights, one of them will probably STILL fail.

     If you are one of the more intelligent folks in our great nation, you'll stock a good supply of ammo for whatever weapons you keep handy.  A big ol' Desert Eagle or $2,000 1911 isn't going to help you do shit unless it goes "BANG" . . . "CLICK" doesn't help, so keep enough bullets to load old Betsy up!  If you're actually facing zombies (be they undead, infected, or just stoned on bath salts) you may want to go with fortification rather than trying to get out of Dodge.  Plywood and a good battery powered drill can turn your average duplex into a poor man's Fort Knox inside of an hour.


     I know, I know.  Common sense is so rare these days, it should be considered a superpower.  But it really doesn't take an over abundance of brain cells to understand that if you F#$% up in this scenario, you're probably not going to live very long.  Whether it's an actual Zed Event, or just some good old fashioned civil unrest, hospitals probably aren't going to be very helpful.  Going back to Rule Two, a good supply of any necessary medications should be a part of your first aid kit... you do have a first aid kit, right?

     So, let's just sum this one up: no flaming 151 shots, no playing with lawn darts, don't go trying to change light bulbs while using your pogo stick, and for the love of Pete, don't go getting in a fist fight with other survivors.  It's counter productive, and you're just wasting bandages.


     Depending on where you live, what type of disaster you're facing, and how much karma feels like kicking you in the nuts, you may not be rescued.  Chances are, you might be fending for yourself on a pretty permanent basis.  Now, while there is safety in numbers, there is also stupidity, jealousy, cockiness, and overall jackassery in numbers.  Don't go shacking up with the creepy neighbor who likes to leave dead animals on your mailbox, but don't pass up the opportunity to add a solid member to your party either.  This really boils down to how well you can read/judge people.  A few solid compatriots can save your life,  One bad egg can end it with a quickness.  If you wouldn't trust someone to watch your place while you're away before the end of the world, you probably don't want them watching your back after it.  Large groups can be great, or terrible.  While a larger group does give you more safety in numbers, it can also put you in close proximity to some rather tedious crap,  i.e. other people's drama, stupidity, power struggles within the group, and let's not forget the fact that infection spreads much quicker in a denser population.  Use CARE!


     Remember, you just survived the frackin' apocalypse!  You're a bad MoFo as long as you don't end up as Zombie Kibble for doing something stupid .  Don't let the fact that you're one of the only people you know who doesn't smell like roadkill get you down.  Just think, all of their neat stuff is free for the taking.  No more waiting in long lines for coffee every morning.  No more getting cut off in traffic on your way to work.  HELL, NO MORE WORK!!!  Well, no more job anyway.  Surviving is going to take a frigging pile of work, but at least you don't have to wear a tie!  Your attitude is going to determine how long you last. Being all mopey about how you're the only member of your fantasy football league who isn't chewing on one of their neighbors isn't going to help.  A positive outlook can save your life.  Be hopeful, optimistic, and stay active.

                                                     * FINAL NOTE:  NEVER GIVE UP!!!*

             'Til next time, remember - there's no kill like overkill!  Keep the safety on, kids!

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  1. Common Sense. Watching Return of the Living Dead 3 today I was struck at just how many bad decisions were being made. Never mind surviving the apocalypse I swear there's some basic things in the post which could avoid it in the first place.

    Fun article.

  2. Herb (ZombieBert) actually tried to waste this as a post on Facebook, so I made him take it off Facebook and give it to me. Bad decisions and horror go hand in hand. lol


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